Verbatim

Of revelations and strife.

A lot has happened since my last entry. The details surrounding the last 2 months are trivial, but the main events must be touched upon before I continue this post. These are the following incidences that occurred:

-The tournament I signed up for was cancelled.

-I found a second tournament the weekend after the initial one, but that, too, was also cancelled.

-I was promoted to a blue belt ranked grappler by my head instructor.

-I found a third tournament at CSDH. The LA Open BJJ tournament is going to be held on June 24th. So far, this tournament seems promising.

All of this brings me here, where I am today, both physically and mentally.

I decided to make this training camp last 5 weeks, so I started on May 21. Today, after only 1 week of training, I have had an epiphany every day this week. To my dismay, these epiphanies opened my eyes to harsh realities. With every new epiphany, a dark shadow loomed overhead. The horizon, my journey, bleak.

Before I continue, I must warn you that the purpose of this particular post is not an outlet for my sorrows and grievances. I am not here to throw myself a pity party for the world to read about. 

No.

This is a declaration.

Even though challenges become overbearing and incessantly mount up, I will not quit.

I know who the world thinks I am, and I know who I am. 

Everyday I am reminded why I spend hours and hours in the gym. At the end of the night when I have absolutely no strength or energy left, I know that the next day, I’ll be stronger. 

No matter how belittled, depreciated, and beaten I am, I will continue to fight and train everyday. For the next 5 weeks, I will accept the challenges and conquer all self-doubt. I will grow. I will win.

On June 24th, I will stand victorious on the winners podium. 

No matter what is said or thought about me, I know that every second spent training is time working towards my dream. And no one, absolutely no one, can take that away.

Of goals and dreams.

Not conforming to what the world says I need to do.

Proving that dreams are not for little kids.

Proving that dreams can become a reality.

Making a difference.

Becoming someone.

These statements have slowly crept up into the upper echelons of my priorities, my goals. These are the reasons why I have been pushing myself to the limit these last few weeks.

Many experiences in my life have brought me to where I am today. I have seen and gone through trials and tribulations that have shed light on numerous facts of life. Lessons have been learned, regrets have been made.

I was slowly falling into a state of ambiguity; I felt compelled to live life to the fullest, but my previous actions in life, along with the currents pressures that society bears down upon individuals to continue the cycle of “get an education, find a career, work,” brought clouds of uncertainty to my mind. I kept asking myself, “Do I follow the masses and become a statistic?” Everything in life kept telling me, “Yes. YES.” But those three letters brought immense pain to my heart.

What about all the dreams I had as a kid?

What about the things I was told as a child about following my dreams?

“You can be anything you set your mind to!”

What changed?

I was once told something that made me stop and assess my life. “The past is done. But the future is what you make it.”

In reverie. I realized then that my dreams could become something more real. They were no longer ideas, fantasies in my mind. They could become goals. Something that could be attained.

All of this brings me here, in my current mental state. I decided to dream big and work towards that pot of gold. That pot of gold in this case is MMA. I am doing everything in my power to fight for what I believe in. I am fighting for true happiness. I will follow my dreams.

As with any long-term goal, you need short-term goals to keep you focused and to build confidence. On my quest to being a Mixed Martial Arts fighter, one goal I set for myself is to compete in a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu tournament. And to win.

I have spent the last 3 weeks towards this first goal and I have never been happier. I am 3 weeks out until my tournament. I will keep updating about my journey in future posts.

I hope anyone who reads this will attempt to chase a long lost dream. Even if it’s just for a little while, you will see that following your heart was one of the best decisions you’ve ever made. I wish everyone true happiness.

Thanks for reading,

David Anica.

What’s in a name?

My name is David Anica.

My family calls me David Anica.

My friends call me David Anica.

Acquaintances call me David Anica.

It may sound the same, but I’ve come to terms with the fact that my name is viewed very differently by those who say it.

In fact, depending on the certain individual, my name may be the definition of vile.

You see, my name comes with many, many, many different perceptions.

• David Anica: the choir kid. 
• the 125 lb x-country runner and soccer player.
• the 185 lb mixed martial artist.
• the friend.
• the lover.
• the cheater.
• the womanizer.
• the emotional abuser.
• the physical abuser.
• the manipulating, cruel violater with a god complex.

Depending on who you ask, I may be a Paragon or a Renegade.

It’s come to my understanding that I have become either someone’s repulsive nightmare, or someone’s beautiful reverie. 

Who am I? What am I?

Am I a loving, generous being?

Am I a selfish, evil monster?

I am neither. I am both. 

If you truly believe that I am evil, then that idea becomes a reality to you.

If you truly believe that I am good, then that idea becomes a reality to you.

Therefore, I am everything, and nothing, that you believe I am.

Regardless of how you view me…

Regardless of what you wish upon me…

I thank you. I am sorry. I love you.

I wish you nothing but the best.

I hope you can forget who I am and never remember me.

I hope you cherish all of our memories together, and the memories you have of me.

You made me who I am today. You made me what I am today.

With all these titles I hold, I ask myself:

What’s in a name? What’s in my name?

I now know the answer. It’s you.